Keepin' Things Straight

As a child I remember laying in bed at night, listening to my mom putting dishes away in the kitchen, and thinking she was insane. My mother put away dishes with loud, clankin' purpose and at seemingly strange times of the day and night. I couldn't understand why the dishes needed to be put away right that second.

You see, for much of my life, no one has accused me of being a "tidy" person. Sure, I can be organized with my schoolwork or my work and clean on a basic level. But tidy? Yeah, not so much.

But the last few years have seen a gradual transformation in me. Or maybe it's been sudden? I don't know. I just now realize that I require tidiness. I cannot leave dishes sit over night on the kitchen counter. When I enter a room (in my own house; fear not those who may keep me as a house guest in the future), the first thing I notice is dirt on the floor, dog hair on the edge of the sofa, dust on electronics. Laundry left on the floor, too many papers stacked on the desk, magazines that have already been read, but not thrown away - all of this causes an internal annoyance which cuts through any of my inborn laziness.

And what accounts for this transformation? And "why", might certain people who have endured my life long untidiness ask, "is this happening now?"

The only reasonable explanation is motherhood. Being a mother is both the most terrifying and exhilarating experience of my life. There is an incrediable amount of responsibility to it - I owe these girls so much for having brought them into the world - there is much to teach, to give - and I've no idea if I'll get any of it right. How to teach them values? To be kind? To have courage? To love without fear? Yet still prepare them for some of the harshness of this life? If I stop to think of it for too long, I can be overwhelmed with fear. Sometimes it's easier to just go, stay in motion. Easier to scrub the counters than think about all the ways I could screw up these wonderful little humans.

There is more to it than that, though. I don't have this drive for tidiness just for them - maybe 30% worth of it. The other 70% is for me. Having a clean, tidy house fills me with a sense of peace and calm. When I wake in the morning to a nice space, I feel more in control and ready to face the day. Having two young children, holding a full time job, keeping the dog, the house, maintaining the marriage, the kids - it's just chaos. I'm not saying that I am not alone in this. I am supported and helped by so many -of course by Todd, our parents, siblings, friends. I also take comfort in hearing about the lives of my peers - this very well may be the busiest times in our lives. Ever. My friend Rogee tells me that she doesn't even remember blocks of time from her life when her children were young. She was moving at such a fast pace, that she literally lost track of her memory from that time.

Keeping on top of my physical surroundings makes me feel just a little in control of it all. If I were a rock climber, I'd equate tidiness to a crampon on a high mountain face; it gives me a secure hold against the wind and the weather and all that rock left to climb.

Sitting here now, writing these words in my bedroom, the lights dim, the house settled down and cleaned up, I feel myself. I feel caught up and like I can handle all this. Of course I can. Of course.

So, mom, I understand now, really, the putting the dishes away at all hours of the night. And I'm truely sorry to not have kept my room clean all those years living under your roof. I'll pay my karmic price by picking up after Bella and Iris for the next 18 years - and they'll do the same, and their daughters, and theirs. I can close my eyes and see us all lined up in a row, all the mothers before me, and after - we're all holding dish towels, worrying to ourselves, and managing still to raise terrific kids.

RLH